I’ve written before about the idea that throughout your life, as partners come and go, each one takes a small bit of your heart. Between relationships, it’s important to grow that small bit back and if you do not, you’ll be left without.
I had once been in the position where I felt I was left with only half of a heart after various short relationships. It took a lot of time to feel whole again, knowing exactly who I was. After ‘growing back that heart’, I met a woman to managed to take nearly all of my heart, to be the greatest teammate, and to amaze me every day that we spent together.
Without that, I have a strange feeling of being hollow and choked. My heart feels like a cave, and my throat is in my stomach.
For some reason, today feels like the hardest one yet.
Though, it shouldn’t. It’s a day like any other.
Get up, go to work, while everyone is on a lake or even just in a yard.
Oh, and look forward to getting out at dark and biking home. That’ll be great too.
It’s the strangest thing.
Kids (not a negative term) come to my place for a bonfire or whatever,
And become intrigued with various possessions of mine, want to buy them, and are confused when I say no.
What? Money doesn’t sway me? That’s strange.
It’s a funny thing really,
To become so close to someone
That you fear nothing.
To run like wild women,
and fear no one’s judgement.
Not your mother’s, and not my father’s.
Ten months straight together,
Until your mama said “come home”.
She had no idea the pain she caused,
Just like the pain I caused.
Like a marriage and a divorce.
Like a day at the beach and then a sunburn.
Like your birthday cake, and then a stomach bug.
I’m not afraid.
I don’t always wake up with you,
But I hold you tighter when I see you.
We laugh like it’s been weeks,
And it almost feels the way it should.
I had forgotten the love being away creates.
The pool is outside of my apartment window.
It’s running, and nearly clean,
But not open.
I’m moving out in a week or so,
and damn, will I miss that thing.
Not to get deep,
but I’ve spent some of the best moments of my life in that pool.
Both recently and six years ago.
No funny business
Just fucking fun.
It’s crazy to picture myself six years ago,
laying in the grass just across the courtyard
(damn that grass is fine),
Big red Regina curls,
Reading Tori Amos’ biography
(it was tantalizing).
Just last week, I laid in that grass,
and read the Selfish Gene (Dawkins).
Months before, we did pencil rolls on the hill for an hour.
(We won’t speak of what on)
I don’t know what the next months will bring,
But my anchor and kite are equal.